Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
