Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
