omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
