come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize