Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
