she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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