Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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