hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
