I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
