I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
