just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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