I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Randomize
