I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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