She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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