you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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