I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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