you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
