my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
