I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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