he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
