Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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