Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
