ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
