1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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