Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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