i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
