i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I think I am morally bankrupt
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
