Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
