Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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