At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
