Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
