I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
What changed your mind?
Being sober
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
