This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Randomize
