i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
