this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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