Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
