it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
