you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
