I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
