I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
