I think my vagina is haunted
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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