literally had 100 drinks last night.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
