She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Life without a bra equals bliss.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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