Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
