I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
