Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
