would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
