Your dad touched me again.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
