flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
