Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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