Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
