dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize