I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Sober January is a disaster.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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