Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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