In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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