i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
