The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
they're like a gay fantastic four
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize