Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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