god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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